As children grow and develop, they will encounter both positive experiences and challenges. Some of these challenges are minor, but others may cause significant stress. To thrive, a child must experience consistent and ongoing care from a loving, nurturing caregiver, whether that person is a parent or other caregiver. The security and support that such an adult can provide gives a child the self-confidence and resiliency to cope effectively with stress.
Interactions with people outside the home help children mature emotionally and socially. These interactions typically occur with close relatives, friends, neighbors, and people at child care sites, schools, places of worship, and sports teams or other activities. By coping with the minor stresses and conflicts inherent in these interactions, children gradually acquire the skills to handle more significant stressors. Children also learn by watching how the adults in their lives handle distress.
Like adults, children are impacted by events that occur outside of their own homes or communities. For example, shootings at schools and other places or events are widely covered by all types of media. Even if adults try to shield children from knowing about these events, most children become aware of them when they happen. School shootings, in particular, receive a lot of coverage by traditional types of media, such as television, radio, and newspapers; digital media, such as news and discussion web sites; and social media. The older the child, the more access they tend to have to information about these events. In addition, accounts of political differences regarding controversial issues are delivered by some media sources using extremely aggressive and polarizing language or graphic or violent images. This can be anxiety-provoking for anyone, but it can be particularly stressful for children. Parents may be unable to help their child manage this stress or limit its impact because they may not even know what their child has heard outside of the home.
As children mature into adolescents and young adults, they develop their own sense of independence about opinions, beliefs, and actions. Parents, along with schools and community and religious institutions, are often relied on to direct children's education and help them develop their beliefs. Children's thoughts and beliefs are also shaped by outside influences. Social media is one of the leading influences and the source of much of the news and information to which children are exposed. They may have access to information as well as to misinformation through smartphones, tablets, laptops, smartwatches, and other mobile devices. Parents and caregivers are often unaware of the sources of information to which their children are exposed and often do not have the opportunities to control these significant influences. It is easy for most children to access information that is inaccurate, inappropriate, or inconsistent with parental values.
It is imperative for parents and caregivers to be aware of all of the sources from which their children receive information. Awareness is best accomplished by having open discussions with children, parental monitoring of online activity, and, as needed, limiting access to inappropriate content.
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Certain major events that disrupt the family structure or routine, such as illness and divorce, may challenge a child's abilities to manage normal activities. These events may also interfere with the child's emotional and social development. For example, a chronic illness may prevent a child from participating in activities and also impair performance in school.
Events affecting a child may also have negative consequences for people close to the child. Caring for a sick child or a child who has serious behavioral problems is stressful for caregivers and anyone else who is part of the child's life. The consequences of such stress vary with the nature and severity of the illness or behavioral problem and with the family's emotional resources and other resources and supports.
Talking With Children About Difficult Topics
Many life events, including illness or death of someone close (see Death of a Family Member or Loved One), divorce, and bullying, are scary or unpleasant for children. Even events that do not directly affect the child, such as natural disasters, war, or terrorism, may cause anxiety. Fears about all of these, rational or irrational, can preoccupy a child. Parents may avoid discussing anxiety-provoking events, such as a shooting in a school in another community, with their child in the hope their child is unaware of the event. It might be better for parents to assume their child is aware of the event and gently explore the child's understanding of it and anxiety about it. It is best for the child to learn about, or at least discuss, an anxiety-provoking event with a parent.
Children often have difficulty talking about unpleasant topics. However, open discussion can help the child deal with difficult or embarrassing topics and dispel irrational fears. A child needs to know that anxiety is normal and that anxious feelings usually lessen over time. Parents who routinely discuss difficult topics with their children from an early age often find their children more open to talking about the complex issues they face as adolescents.
Parents should discuss difficult topics during a quiet time, in a safe and comfortable place, and when the child is interested. Parents should remain calm, present factual information, and give the child undivided attention. Acknowledging what the child says with phrases such as "I understand" or with a quiet nod encourages the child to confide in a parent. Reflecting back what the child says is also encouraging. For example, if a child mentions anger about a divorce, a parent could say, "So the divorce makes you angry" or "Tell me more about that." Asking how the child feels can also encourage discussion of sensitive emotions or fears, for example, fear of abandonment by the noncustodial parent during a divorce or guilt for causing the divorce.
By talking about their own feelings, parents encourage children to acknowledge their fears and concerns. For example, about a divorce, a parent might say, "I am sad about the divorce, too. But, I also know it is the right thing for us to do. Even though we cannot live together anymore, we will both always love you and take care of you." By doing this, parents are able to discuss their own feelings, offer reassurance, and explain that divorce is the right choice for them. Many children, particularly younger ones, need to hear the same message repeatedly. Parents should not underestimate the value of the reassurance offered by these messages.
A parent may also have to address a difficult aspect of the child's own behavior. For example, a parent who suspects the child or adolescent of using illicit drugs or alcohol should address the issue directly with the child. A parent might say, "I am worried that you are using drugs. I feel this way because. . . ." It is important for the parent to speak in a clear and calm manner, expressing both the concerns about the child's behavior as well as their support and love. After the parent's concerns have been stated, the child should be offered an opportunity to speak. The child and the parent should develop a plan of action that may include an appointment with a pediatrician or a counselor.
Recent global events have highlighted the importance of family discussions. The COVID-19 pandemic, for example, has not just been a health discussion, but has been the focus of opposing views within some families, political debate, and expressions of conflicting values and beliefs in the media. The COVID-19 pandemic had an impact on everyone, including children, and parents may need to continue to discuss a multitude of COVID-related issues with their children.
Similarly, social issues, such as sexual orientation and gender, reproductive rights, racism and other types of hate speech or actions, substance misuse, and restrictions on what can and cannot be taught in school, have a prominent place in national and local news in the United States and many other countries. Contentious issues may directly impact children. Children who previously seemed oblivious to many of these issues now may be confused and discomforted by the discussions occurring around them. Parents should be aware that regardless of how they themselves feel about these issues, such discussions can be anxiety-provoking for their children. Parents should be mindful that their children may have friends who have different backgrounds and may have different experiences and opinions of these important issues. Teaching and modeling respectful behaviors and language toward those with differing views are important lessons for children to learn.
As adults struggle to reach consensus on these areas of conflict, it is even more difficult for children to understand these issues and how to respond. Given the ready availability of social media and the internet, parents should recognize that their children will be or are aware of these social issues. Children of all ages are best able to navigate these issues when they have parents to guide them.
